That Elusive Inner Child

 

A happy accident brought me back to my inner child in the form of why writing from when I was an adolescent.

Over the years, I’ve chanced upon these words most typically when the storage is being cleaned and reorganized. And all, yeah all, of the times I have reread my work, I cringed, I shrunk, I crawled back inward, never fully owning my words.

It’s another serendipitous occurring this past week as I’ve been sketching in whatever imperfect way I can, I had an epiphany. That Eureka moment said to me very simply - love each stroke that emanates from my hand as I wield the pen. Yeah, that simple but so profound as well as wisdom that’s hard to come by. In that instance I realized, that every time I drew something, I recoiled inside when I looked at my work - at the lines, the shapes, the colors and how they were NOT. It took but a moment after that realization hit me to flip the switch. With my next drawing, I suppressed that urge to make faces internally at every stroke of my pen. Instead, I mentally repeated, “I love this line”. 

All this while, even though I’ve learnt and grown and figured out not to be critical towards myself by accepting my flaws , my looks, my feelings - there I was, recoiling in shame and horror at every mark of my paintbrush - and expecting my sketching to flower in that criticism? 

So also, this time, when I read Little Me’s writing, I stopped the urge to bark back at her. I looked at her the way I look at my child now. 

You were so brave, Little Me, to be as honest and sincere with your words as you were. Opening up takes courage. You always had that in spades, I see it now. I see you too - I see how you felt you didn’t have nice clothes and I understand. I see how many, many small moments were the best and biggest and happiest days of your life - the small joys. I understand that too. I see that you undersold yourself and placed a lot of emphasis on others in some sort of longing to be like them, and not like your brilliant self. I understand. And I say to you - you are amazing. You don’t need to change yourself for the world to get you. That’s their problem, not yours. You are thoughtful, kind, empathetic, joyful and generous. Shine brighter, little one. I’m with you and behind you, all the way. You have all the support you need.